My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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