There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
and you fell through a lawn chair
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
