another moral hangover. fuck.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
