At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
