member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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