Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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