Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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