Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
