Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
