Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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