On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
