is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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