I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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