dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
