i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
