You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
