please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
