sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
