Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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