and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
