He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
