I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
