your thong is hanging out like whoa
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
