There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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