No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
