i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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