She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
