who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
