they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
