Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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