My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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