I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
