i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
