I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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