So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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