I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
