oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
