the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
