I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
