I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
