Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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