Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
