i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
