I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
