I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
