Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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