I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
