Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
