dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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