Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
